My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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