brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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