Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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