moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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