Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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