halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
