friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
