I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
