I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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