you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
