Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
