I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
