My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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