My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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