I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
