when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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