I have demons in me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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