She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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