It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
