My room smells like vodka and shame
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
