OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
