never play flip cup with pint glasses
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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