How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
