On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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