i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
