I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
