I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
