last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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