you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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