You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
