So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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