you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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