I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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