this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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