and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
