Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
