Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
