is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
