Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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