at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
