if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
