If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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