Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
