At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
