nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
