He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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