Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
