dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
