if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
