I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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