i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
