I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
