yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
