Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
